Confederate Statues (Robert E. Lee, PGT Beauregard, Jefferson Davis) have unexpectedly attacked New Orleans after being provoked by Mayor Mitch Landrieu and other local officials.
What we know so far on this breaking news as updates come in:
- The Confederate statues of Robert E. Lee, P.G.T. Beauregard, and Jefferson Davis became sentient and mobile today when city workers were cleaning their respective locations.
- The City Council has voted to fine all three statues for unpermitted usage of “Air Rights.”
- Photo enforcement vehicles across the city show the statues are moving 28 mph, not quite fast enough to be ticketed.
- Mayor Mitch Landrieu has advised all bars to close doors at 3 a.m.
- WWL, WDSU, WVUE, and WGNO advise locals to hunker down and not flip channels.
- New Orleans Pelicans losses will go on as scheduled.
- NOLA.com/Times-Picayune is asking eye-witnesses to please contact their offices to be interviewed for next month’s breaking story.
- Authorities advise citizens to take alternate routes when traveling for the foreseeable future, with any roads not in Orleans Parish as the top recommendation.
- Insurance officials advise no policy covers “Acts of Statue.”
- Authorities have blamed the statues for decimating the city’s transportation infrastructure, creating holes in over 75% of the city’s streets.
- Bar & Grill will give free shots every time Beauregard’s horse drops anchor.
- The Mayor will hold a press conference updating the public as soon as it is most beneficial to him.
